washing my hands again and again

i have this habit that i wash my hands a lot whenever i am thinking about something, literally wash them, sometimes using sopa, but most of the time, i just let the water run on both hands of mine. and i will indulge myself with the cooling sensation and calming effect it sort of give me. it is just so relaxing, almost like therapy.

but washing hands isn't the issue here, instead it is what actually makes me wash my hands that is in question.

well you see, in life, i have a bunch of people that mean a lot to me. a special group of people that i consider as most important.

i have this habit of not wanting to trouble them, because well, i just don't want to give them more trouble. i am pretty sure i can figure things out somehow.

but when i do this, it seems that i am actually hurting their feelings because to them, it seems as if they don't matter to me thus i don't involve them in anything that i do, even when the truth is i just don't want to trouble them.

so i try to involve them in things that i do. up to some point i feel bad, as if i am troubling them way too much. like i am somehow suffocating them with my problems.
nut i really do need them at the moment.

so to sum things up.
whenever i feel like i am able to to things on my own, i feel bad that i make others feel like i don't need them.

but at times when i need the most, i feel bad because i feel like i am suffocating them, strangling them to death.

so what should i do?
yeah, i know you'll probably say that i am over thinking this way too much.

i know, but, i just cant stop thinking about it. it seems never ending.

and i just have to write this down, to let it out, because i don't know who else to trouble,

what i want

i want chocolates, i want sushi, i want rice, and i want pies

at the end i just throw up and get sick.

i want a cool shirts, i want a new phone, i want a car, and i want as much money as  i can get

in the end i just end up spending more that i can afford to.

it is all deceiving me. keeping me further from the true thing that i want the most which is to be loved and cared for. to belong. and to achieve something more meaningful in life without needing to have any of those that i thought i wanted 

an attempt

this is an attempt to try and post something that people would actually read, as i have already known for quite a long time now, nobody really reads this blog, i don't blame them though,  there is nothing much to read anyway. this is because, i don't go and do exciting things all the time, i don't have awesome photos to share with the world, i am not a famous guy with gossips and controversies tied around my neck, i don't have the ability to sing and post my video for people to listen to, and i don't know how to write my entries to make them sound as if it were copied out from a book or something like that.

but i don't really care, because i am happy with this life of mine.as dull as it may be, it has managed to shape me and allow me to actually write this post. i love my life as hurtful and as amazing it could get, as it has been and as it will be. in this gray life of mine, i have found so many colorful people and experience a lot of wonderful things that have taught me valuable lessons. i have learned to love, hate, respect, remember, and work myself through it all.

okay so it seems that this post is getting no where in particular. just something that crossed my mind at the moment of boredom, as an attempt to escape bored-ness and trying to get my self sleepy enough to go to bed.

so, till next boredom, see ya~

Fact.

Here’s something I bet you don’t know:

In the late 1880s, the body of a 16-year-old girl was pulled from the Seine. She was apparently a suicide, as her body showed no marks of violence, but her beauty and her enigmatic smile led a Paris pathologist to order a plaster death mask of her face.
In the romantic atmosphere of fin de siècle Europe the girl’s face became an ideal of feminine beauty. The protagonist of Rainer Maria Rilke’s 1910 novel The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge writes, “The mouleur, whose shop I pass every day, has hung two plaster masks beside his door. [One is] the face of the young drowned woman, which they took a cast of in the morgue, because it was beautiful, because it smiled, because it smiled so deceptively, as if it knew.”
Ironically, in 1958 the anonymous girl’s features were used to model the first-aid mannequin Rescue Annie, on which thousands of students have practiced CPR. Though the girl’s identity remains a mystery, her face, it’s said, has become “the most kissed face of all time.”

i found this on tumblr. so i decided it is worth sharing

troubled mind

i havent been updating this blog for a while now. i guess it is because i was so caught up with my school band. that i have no time to check up on my feelings. now that marching season is over, i feel like i have nothing to do. boredom kicks in and i start to think. and now that i have think, i realized that, i have treated a lot of people in a wrong way. and the best part is, most of the time i didn't even realize i was doing it. and that thought disturbs me.

but then again, i am just a guy. i am one normal human being, i am not perfect, so please give me room to make mistakes, don't expect too much from me, because i can't stand the pressure of letting people down. please forgive me. for doing the wrong things in life, but at least i can learn from them. with the wrongs i've done, i can see things from a better view, and try to mend my ways.

is it wrong to not be the perfect person everyone thinks you are?

f.r.i.e.n.d.s. moments

Rachel: Just turn around.
Ross: What?
Rachel: I don’t want you to see me naked!
Ross: Rachel, I’ve seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?
Rachel: Yeah, but that was different. Y’know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it’s weird.
Ross: Rach, y’know I can see you naked any time I want.
Rachel: What?
Ross: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!
Rachel: Ross! Stop that! I don’t want you thinking of me like that any more!
Ross: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It’s one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. (closes his eyes again) Oop, oh yeah
Rachel: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!
Ross: Okay, okay, I’m sorry, it will never happen… (closes eyes) Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I’m the king.

thoughts

heart i wonder,
why is it that you desire?
why this feeling of longing for something?
am i not on the right path?
what have gone wrong?
what have i missed?